#JointheConversation
At some point in your childhood, you most likely asked your parents where babies come from. And they most likely responded with, "You'll find out when you're older." You do, in fact, find out when you're older. The topic of sex is portrayed everywhere in our everyday lives and is shown almost everywhere.
"You'll find out when you're older."
If we are exposed to sexualized content as part of our daily life, why is it hard to talk about? According to Sheryl Kingsberg, Ph.D., from Cleveland Medical Center (5), the discomfort of talking about sex is not something that is uncommon. She says the way sex is portrayed to us at a young age can "have tremendous power to shape us for the rest of our lives."(1) There might be a lack of education. Most schools do attempt to teach young adults about sex. But is it enough? A 2012 survey conducted by Planned Parenthood asked 1,046 adolescents aged 15-18 and parents how comfortable they were discussing sexual topics with each other. Half, approximately 50% of the teens surveyed, answered that they felt uncomfortable talking to their parents about sex, and 19% of the parents said they felt uncomfortable talking with their teens.
Our bodies are different, and knowing how they work is essential.
There is more research being conducted on sex education. Brooklyn Waller, A Youth Advisory Council Member, speaks out about the lack of education on this topic. "How often can you recall STI/STD’s being discussed in your high school health classes? I remember it being talked about once and then quickly being dismissed. The teacher did not want to or lacked direction from the state on how to talk about safe sex or how to prevent infections, diseases, and teen pregnancy from happening. For example, Arkansas does not mandate sexual education programs in schools, similar to 17 other states in the United States." (4) Not having much knowledge about sex can make anyone feel inadequate or even embarrassed to talk about it with anyone, let alone a sexual partner.
My Personal Experience:
I used to be one of those people who avoided the topic of sex. Why? Because the education I received in Middle School just wasn't enough. I was only taught the basics. The rest I had to learn on my own. I didn't have as much knowledge as I would have liked for a developing teen, and I felt awkward talking about the topic. No information was given to us about how bodies work or that everyone is different in their body type. What about pleasure? That wasn’t discussed at all. Using protection was the only thing that was conveyed to me. It's important to know how to use protection, of course, but I wanted to know so much more than that. Additionally, the nurse in middle school only mentioned the use of condoms. No further detail was provided about the different contraceptives available to me or other ways to protect myself from getting pregnant. This left me feeling scared I would get pregnant the first time I had vagina/penis intercourse and that the condom would break from sheer use. I had to find out all of this information from my mother when she decided to sit down and have "the talk" with me.
She also taught me about my period, and how to use a tampon or, alternatively, a pad. Even talking about the use of pads vs. tampons is uncomfortable and has a stigma tied to it.
As I got older, I acknowledged that sex is a normal part of life. Currently being a Junior in college, educating myself about sex health has become more important than ever. College is when you slowly start to grow into a young adult and become more exposed to the topic of being sexually active. I've learned that having hormones is nothing to be ashamed of, and it's all a part of normal human biology. Asking more questions about the topic should be encouraged in our society. Luckily, my parents have been open about "the talk."
Being curious about sex is by no means a mal act. Exploring what pleases you in bed and what excites you is completely normal. Learning what also doesn't work for you is just as important. Bodies are always changing and developing as you get older. Hair will grow in places you didn't have hair before, and that's completely normal. It's all about growing into a mature adult.
We need to learn about protection and about maintaining a lifestyle that includes sexual health. Not knowing or being educated about sexual health can make life challenging. All of our bodies are different, and knowing how they work is essential. Pleasure is something that needs to be talked about and explored. The stigma around sexual health conversations needs to end in order for the conversation about sexual health to be normalized.
If you're interested in learning more about Sexual Health and current research, visit the SASH Sexual Health Researchers page.
"Has tremendous power to shape us for the rest of our lives."
Hello, my name is Giana, but I prefer to be called Gigi. I intern for SASH and am currently studying Professional Writing in college. I enjoy writing and picking up a good book to read. I am a young adult who believes in sexual health education. I wasn't taught much when I was a teen, so I want to be able to teach others about sexual health. Spreading awareness and helping others is important to me. I hope through my blogs and writing; I will be able to help someone.
1: Kingsberg, Sheryl. “Uncomfortable Talking about Sex.” HealthyWomen, 18 July 2022, https://www.healthywomen.org/ask-expert/uncomfortable-talking-about-sex.
2: Parenthood, Planned. “Half of All Teens Feel Uncomfortable Talking to Their Parents about Sex While Only 19 Percent of Parents Feel the Same, New Survey Shows.” Planned Parenthood, https://www.plannedparenthood.org/about-us/newsroom/press-releases/half-all-teens-feel-uncomfortable-talking-their-parents-about-sex-while-only-19-percent-parents.
3: “The Lack of Sex Education and Why It Needs to Change.” SchoolBased Health Alliance, https://www.sbh4all.org/2021/03/the-lack-of-sex-education-and-why-it-needs-to-change/.
4: “Sex and HIV Education.” Guttmacher Institute, 3 Jan. 2023, https://www.guttmacher.org/state-policy/explore/sex-and-hiv-education?gclid=Cj0KCQiA1pyCBhCtARIsAHaY_5e6mJeyvg6fXFEzNi3vwUKFih6D28YEQ6n7OXUS9syAj8TBzTbxRxEaAvbnEALw_wcB.
5: “Sheryl Kingsberg, Phd.” Sheryl Kingsberg PhD Doctor Profile & Reviews | University Hospitals, https://www.uhhospitals.org/doctors/kingsberg-sheryl-1861418675.
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
Over the past week, I have been thinking about the Serenity Prayer and its connection to the Wizard of Oz. Some of you might be looking at your phone or computer and wondering if I have lost my mind again. I beg for your patience and to hear me out. This message was inspired by a share I heard at a 12-step meeting. The person who said it gave me permission to use it. So off we go.
God grant me the serenity
We all know the SerenityPrayer. “May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” And almost everyone knows the story of the Wizard of Oz or at least the movie version of the story. Dorothy is not happy with life on the farm, runs away, is swept up in a tornado, lands in a strange land, and gathers three companions on her journey to the Emerald City to meet the Wizard. On the way, she must deal with witches – good and bad – flying monkeys, and castle guards before she finds she always had the power to grant her wish of returning home.
We have always had the power to return home.
So, what does this story have to do with the Serenity Prayer, let alone recovery? In our active addictions we cannot find fulfillment, happiness, or peace in our lives. We run away and just when we realize that we have run too far we are swept up in the tornado/drug of our choice. Its path of destruction destroys the landscape of our lives and carries us far away. Thankfully, when the storm passes, we land in a new brightly colored world filled with sober people singing about the blessings of recovery. Yet our own work is just beginning.
We cannot walk the path alone.
There is a road we must follow with steps leading to the Emerald City of sobriety. We also learn that we cannot walk the path alone. There are still temptations, flying monkeys, people, places, and things calling us back to the darkness. However, as we follow the path, we first find the companion of serenity – the heart to love ourselves and others. A new heart also gives us the gift of forgiveness and acceptance. The second companion is the courage to move forwards even when encountering lions, tigers, and bears. It is courage which lets us turn over our lives, let go of character defects, and make amends. It is also courage that lets us pick up the phone or go to a meeting.
Who are Your Companions on the Road to Recovery?
(An earlier version of this story was first read on the SLAA inspiration line by the author)
Steve Devlin, PhD, EdM, CRS began his career as a counselor in the early 1980s before pursuing a research career in higher education. During the early 1990s, he directed a gerontology center at the University of Pennsylvania and was a Fellow at the Institute on Aging. He has been a life coach since 2009, two years after entering recovery. The focus of his coaching is finding hope and meaning to life, and is heavily influenced by the work of Victor Frankl. His interests also include quality of life for disenfranchised people, especially those facing challenges due to middle- and older-aging, health crises, and incarceration. Steve has an undergraduate degree from Dickinson College (B.A., Psychology, 1980), a Master’s degree from Boston University (EdM, Counseling Psychology, 1981), and a Doctorate from Temple University (PhD, Educational Psychology, 1991). He earned his Certified Recovery Coach (CRS) certification in 2013 and has a practice in the southeastern Pennsylvania and New Jersey region. Steve is a consultant with the Center for Outcome Analysis (Havertown PA) and serves on a regional board advocating for those with sexual addictions.
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
Times have changed. When I was a child, there were very few resources on how to talk to children about sex, much less how to raise sexually healthy kids. Today, there are good resources on the market to help parents work with children. I won’t even try to list them.
The fact that we have more resources is progress. Even with the best sex education resources for schools, families, and religious organizations, we still face issues of protecting our children from sexual abuse and human trafficking. Families today have many resources to help, and the reality is that there are also more ways for children to be sexually harmed than ever before. We can thank the Internet for both.
They are based on sensory experiences in the child’s life. Sights, smells, emotional experiences, and stimuli that get connected to sexual arousal will impact a child’s template. The Rachman study in 1966 involved exposing men to nude women wearing nothing but boots. These men would then become aroused sexually simply by seeing a pair of boots. Children exposed to loud arguments and violence who then self-stimulate for comfort may later become aroused by being verbally abused by a partner. Or a man raised in a 3rd world country who regularly sees a lady urinate may become sexually stimulated by this image, perhaps leading to a golden shower fetish. Or a man, who experienced his first erection watching ladies smoke may be aroused and develop a smoking fetish.
With massive amounts of sexual stimulation in our culture, it’s no wonder that parents feel overwhelmed and desperate in facing these challenges.
Clearly, as noted, the items listed are how NOT to raise sexually healthy kids.
So many of the resources on developing sexual health in children involve teaching them boundaries in relationships, finding ways to protect them from abuse and online predators, and being able to talk to kids about sex. The struggle I find that most parents experience is that they never had good sex education and are struggling to overcome their own internal barriers to sexual health. Perhaps it’s dealing with past sexual trauma in your own life, or a problematic sexual behavior, or negative messages about human sexuality. Focusing on intimacy development becomes hard if you have an intimacy disorder. In 2004, I conducted surveys in problematic sexual behavior groups for men. One question was about past traumas. The number one answer was “I was never taught about sex.” A pattern I’ve noticed in 25 years of working with people with problematic sexual behaviors was that they had no healthy sex education or discussions about sexuality with their parents.
I encourage people to take advantages of the resources at www.sash.net for help with raising sexually healthy kids, as well as, other struggles. Seek out a therapist who specializes in sexual health issues. The therapeutic process can be helpful in addressing your own anxiety in parenting.
Richard Blankenship, LPC, NCC, CPCS, CBTS, CSRRS is the clinical and administrative director for the Capstone Center for Counseling, DBT & Relational Trauma and the Capstone Center for Sexual Recovery & Transformation; a program for male addicts, female addicts, spouses/partners of sex addicts, couples in recovery, and services for children & adolescents. Richard is one of the founders of the Association for Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS) where he served for over 4 years. Richard is a frequent guest on Atlanta area radio & television programs dealing with sexual addiction, spouses/families of addicts, and domestic violence. He is the author of the LIFE Guide for Young Men, and a Journey Through Secrets. He is the co-author of Spouses of Sex Addicts: Hope for the Journey (book & workbook) and the LIFE Guide for Couples. Richard holds two master’s degrees; an M.Ed. from the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and an M.A. From Harding University Graduate School. Richard is a licensed professional counselor (LPC) with the state of Georgia, a nationally certified counselor (NCC) with the National Board of Certified Counselors, a certified clinical hypnotherapist (CCH), a certified clinical sexual & relational recovery specialist (CSRRS), and a certified clinical betrayal trauma specialist (CBTS) through the Addo recovery network. Richard is also a certified professional counselor supervisor (CPCS) through the Licensed Professional Counselors Association of Georgia. He is married with two children and has worked with churches and counseling centers for over 25 years.
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
For those who don’t know or may have forgotten it is masturbation month. The progression of sexual health and female sexuality and independence, which isn’t to say that guys don’t indulge in, the sometimes still taboo act of, masturbation can be summed up with a story that some may remember.
Back in 1994, our surgeon general at the time Dr. Jocelyn Elders, was asked for her thoughts about teaching children about masturbation. Her response, “As per your specific question in regard to masturbation, I think that is something that is a part of human sexuality, and it's a part of something that perhaps should be taught. But we've not even taught our children the very basics.” As a result of this, she was asked to resign by President Clinton because her beliefs just didn’t align with his views of appropriate sexual behavior. Her comments show just how difficult the topic of masturbation, let alone sex education, were during that time and in some cases still are today. Dr. Elders' beliefs about masturbation described a healthy and essential element of everyone’s sexuality and included that teaching children, through proper sex education, about masturbation could likely lower the rates of teenage pregnancy, the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases and promote healthy sexuality. It was noted at the time, the US had the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the industrialized world and that 50 percent of HIV and sexually transmitted diseases was in the adolescent population. Dr. Elders went on to acknowledge that “we know 90 percent of men masturbate, 70 percent of women masturbate, and the rest lie.”
Healthy masturbation as a form of self-care. Research has shown that sexual wellness is closely connected to mental health (Kashdan, Goodman, Fallon, Stiksma, Milius, and McKnight, 2018). Individuals may find that they can determine how they are doing emotionally and mentally by paying attention to their sex drive and desire to masturbate. Learning how to develop a relationship with one’s own body and pleasure points not only allows individuals to “love themselves” it could increase the sexual health of relationships by communicating what feels good to a sexual partner.
Masturbation can be a taboo in a relationship. Depending on your upbringing and open communication around self-pleasure and sexual wellness, individuals may experience a number of feelings including shame, guilt, and self-consciousness including the desire to keep the behavior secret. However, masturbation can be healthy in and for a relationship and promote sexual and relationship satisfaction. Couples that struggle with any of the situations around masturbation might find benefit from seeing a sex therapist or coach.
As clinicians and members of SASH we seek to promote healthy sexuality in our clients' lives and relationships. Masturbation may be one way clients gain that level of sexual health. Many of our clients could have a history of trauma from sexual abuse. It is important that we obtain the necessary training to deal with complex trauma so that we can help our clients heal and help them gain sexual wholeness in their lives. We also need to ensure that we have appropriately dealt with our own hang ups and discomfort when it comes to talking about sexual issues. One way to learn about your own limitations regarding sexual health is to attend a SAR.
In closing, masturbation is up to individual preference. It can be experienced alone, with a partner or even in a group. There is no right or wrong answer to the masturbation question. Each person can seek their own level of comfort through trial and error and exploration and what feels best for their own sexual health.
Terry has worked in the addiction field for 14 years. Terry was previously the lead counselor at the Pride Institute, an LGBT specific treatment center, and managed their sexual health program. In addition to being a licensed alcohol and drug counselor, Terry is currently a mental health therapist working in a private practice specializing in co-occurring disorders, trauma, problematic sexual behavior, intimacy issues, and a host of mental disorders. Terry works with both adults and adolescents and some couples. Terry is trained in EMDR and DBT and incorporates attachment theory into his practice. Terry is a member of the LGBT community and understands the unique challenges many in this group face. Aside from working with the LGBT community, Terry seeks to share his knowledge and experience of this group with other professionals worldwide to increase their competency in serving this community. Terry is a sex-positive, kink-friendly clinician eager to help individuals and couples explore their sexuality, overcome sexual challenges, and discover the benefits and satisfaction of sex, intimacy, and connection offer everyone.
Reference
Kashdan, T., B.,Goodman, Fallon R., Stiksma, Melissa, Milius, C., R., & McKnight, P.,E. Sexuality leads to boosts in mood and meaning in life with no evidence for the reverse direction: A daily diary investigation. Emotion, Vol 18(4), Jun 2018, 563-576.
Blog Disclaimer
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) sponsors this blog for the purpose of furthering dialog in the field of problematic sexual behaviors and their treatment. Blog authors are encouraged to share their thoughts and share their knowledge. However, SASH does not necessarily endorse the content or conclusions of bloggers.
Information in blogs may not always be complete, up-to-date, accurate, relevant, or applicable to all situations. Legislation, case law, standards, regulations, descriptions of products and services, and other information are often complex and can change rapidly. Always double-check and confirm that any information you find on the internet is accurate, current, and complete in regard to your specific situation, question, concern, or interests.
This website and its agents make no promises, guarantees, representations, or warranties, expressed or implied, and assume no duty or liability with regard to the information contained herein or associated in any way therewith. No legal or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. The inclusion of external hyperlinks does not constitute endorsement, recommendation, or approval of those sites or their contents. This website bears no responsibility for the accuracy, legality or content of the external sites or for that of subsequent links. Those who visit or use this website, links or any other information assume all risks associated therewith.
